Jerry, you need to find god
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
