Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
