I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I need a burrito and a hug.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
