i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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