): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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