apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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