I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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