You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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