I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
