my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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