guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
