he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
FUCK WHALES
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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