u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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