where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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