i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
