I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
