Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
