An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
