he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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