so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
