I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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