Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
