we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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