He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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