Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
