i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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