awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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