Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
