I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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