In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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