She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
