I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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