it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
