She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
