i need an iv and a liver transplant
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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