god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
