It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
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