Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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