i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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