this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
