i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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