I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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