make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize