You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
