dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
