At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
God gave him joint rollers for hands
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
