Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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