I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
