She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
