You're my little dorito
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
