I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize