my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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