Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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