So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize