What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
