Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize