I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
