I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
