that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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