When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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