ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Sorry about my life...
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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