You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You pole danced in your parka.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
