I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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