I wish my penis had an off switch
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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